I gave myself Thursday to just sit home and feel sorry for myself. I don't even think I brushed my teeth until 4:00 and I didn't change my clothes or shower until 4:00 either. I didn't clean my house, I just let things pile up and I didn't care! It felt good to do that for the day but I'm not sure I could do it much longer; I think it would depress me further to not stay busy. The Lord was looking out for me yesterday. He sent Jenya with cookies which was wonderful to have a visitor and not to mention she looked after the baby so I could shower finally. He told Mindy to call me and tell me it's ok if I decided I needed more than one day to feel sorry for myself. The Lord also had many many people call, text, and email me telling me they love me and letting me know they are here for me. I had heartbreaking emails from friends opening up to me about their own fertility issues, which made me feel like people understood and gave me a sense of connection. The Lord also sent me Kandice who went to Chilis with me for late night chips and queso. Overall, the day was better than I expected and I felt the love people were sending.
When all of started to come to light I knew I needed to call Deanna. She too has been through similar experiences and I knew she'd know what to say. We met for dinner tonight and she knew all the perfect things to say. Basically she helped me find the hope I needed. She explained to me that money doesn't need to be the issue. She helped me come up with an action plan and that means so much, it's what I need.
I'm feeling like we can do this as a family! And for the record I never gave up. I kept having people say "well don't give up", whoever said I was giving up?? Not me! Just because I was frustrated and sad doesn't mean I was giving up for heavens sake. I have wanted children my whole life and come hell or high water I'm going to make it happen.
Please please please tell everyone you know that we are adopting:)
PS I'm typing this on my iPad and it doesn't support my spell check, excuse any typos please.