Update...

Since I last posted there has been a lot that has happened.  I will start where I left off.  After my positive ovulation test on Monday I called our fertility specialist and made an appointment for first thing in the morning (Tuesday) to do our insemination.  I could hard sleep, it was worse than Christmas when you're 5 years old.  Our appointment was at 7:30 in the morning for my husband to "make his deposit."  We then had to wait two hours to come back and do the actual insemination.  During the 2 hours they test the "sample" and do a special wash on it get rid of what we don't want and to keep what we do want (the healthiest of swimmers.)  While the lab was doing that we went to breakfast, I was so anxious the whole time and just trying to keep happy thoughts.  We made it back to the office a little bit early and they called us back to a room.  When the nurse practitioner came in she was holding a syringe with the "goods" in it and a piece of paper with the lab results.   Before she did the actual insemination she wanted to go over the lab results.  To say the least she was not positive. She gave us A LOT of information but after about 5 minutes she started to sound like Charlie Browns teacher.  She told us that my husbands swimmer count was high but the motility was low and a lot of other stuff I can't remember.  She basically said, insemination isn't likely to work and we needed to consider in vitro.  While she was telling me this I am sitting there half dressed, feeling totally deflated, and feeling like someone punched me in the gut; I just wanted her to do the insemination so that I could go home and cry my guts out.  I felt like she just kept talking and I finally said, "well lets just do this, while we are talking everything in that syringe is dying."  The procedure hurt and was the worst of all procedures so far, not to mention I was holding back my tears and just wanted to leave.

I felt bad for my husband, he was feeling awful and didn't want to talk about it.  At first, before we could recognize what was happening it seemed like a wedge was being driven between us.  Tension and stress was high and we were frustrated.  Thankfully he recognized what was happening and told me that we can't let the stress of it get between us and he is right, we can't and we won't.

I went straight to work on Tuesday and tried to be positive in light of the news we had just received earlier that day.  I was hopeful for a miracle.  Then Wednesday came and so did the phone call... I was at work all day Wednesday again and still trying to be positive until the phone rang.  It was our nurse (our real nurse, not the one that did the insemination,) she was calling to give me the results of some tests that I had done earlier in the month.  This was a surprise to me because I thought I had already heard back on all of my tests.  Bottom line--she said my eggs are good but I don't have many left.  She said it would take a lot of medication to stimulate my follicles (follicles produce the eggs.)  She also began to sound like Charlie Browns teacher...but I did hear the part where she said, in vitro is probably your only option and that might not even work unless we can get some seriously healthy embryos...

I hung up the phone and tried to hold it together, but it wasn't happening.  I went in the bathroom and sobbed.  I just wanted to leave and go home to lay in my bed, cry, and then feel sorry for myself.  I also just wanted to get my arms around my sweet little baby boy and thank the Lord for him!! I had clients for the rest of the night and so leaving wasn't an option and not crying wasn't an option either.  My poor clients (that happened to be all men) had to watch me cry while they were meeting with me. 

My problem isn't that we are having fertility problems, my problem is that in order to expand my family it is going to cost us A LOT of money.  I absolutely HATE that money is dictating something as important as this.  Adoption can cost as much as $50,000 and in vitro is $20,000 for a guaranteed live birth.  Money really does make the world go round.... 

Now I know I am being Negative Nellie and I know miracles happen and I know the Lord has a plan and I know things will work out and I know I need to be positive and blah blah blah.  But right now is NOT the time tell me these things.  Right now I need a day or two to just be mad and to cry and to throw a little fit.  When people tell me to "have faith" or "be positive" I really just want to punch them in the nose because I feel like they minimizing my grief. And usually it's people that have popped out a bunch of kids and have no idea what this feels like.  I do have faith in the Lord and I KNOW he has a plan for our family and I am hanging onto that, but right now I need time to process all of this, to be sad, and make a plan.  I know the Lord will provide, but we need to do our part. 

• At least you already have one child.....
• Look how easy it was for you to adopt your first child, that will happen again.
• Just have faith
• Be positive
• So and so got pregnant when the Doctors said they wouldn't

These things are fine to say after the shock of the news is gone, just now when its so fresh and sensitive.