I can't help but think that there are things I am supposed to be learning from this experience. The Lord works that way, he tests us so that we can grow and become stronger. Just as trees in windy areas grow stronger, I too will become stronger because of the wind that is blowing.
I wish I could say that I am one of those people who can easily hand every thing over to the Lord and allow Him to shoulder it. I should be that way, that is what He is there for, that is why He came to this earth and gave His life. He came to earth an atoned for us which also means He is there is bear our burdens if we will just allow Him to. By handing Him my sorrows it requires me to have total faith and confidence in His plan for our family and by doing that I also have to have total faith in His timeline. By handing Him everything I have to give up control (or at least the idea that I ever had the control.) I have to realize that as long as I am faithful and do what I am supposed to do that the Lord will provide what is best for our family. I also need to pray that His will be done and I need to realize that sometimes His will is not my will. I have to remember that He knows what is best and I need to have faith in His plan for me no matter what the plan may look like.
Allowing the Lord to carry my burdens doesn't mean that I just stand idle and wait for things to happen for me. I still need to work, I need to do my part. I still need to tell everyone I know that we want to adopt more kids. I need to get my body healthy so that I can help the fertility process. I need to continue to be prayerful about what is the next step for us to take along this road. I also need to remain positive and hopeful. I think that is the hardest part, remaining positive. I start to get sad and cry sometimes and I think that's ok as long as that isn't my focus. I allow myself 5 minutes a day to feel sorry for myself and to cry, when my 5 minutes are up I need to get back to work mode. If I dwell any longer than that it doesn't do any of us any good. Thankfully I don't feel the need to take my 5 minutes everyday, it's usually just after a doctors appointment when I get more bad news.
I am very thankful that I don't have pregnancy envy (good thing because 5 girls I work with are pregnant right now.) I am TRULY happy for other women when I see them pregnant or with new babies. How could I not be happy for them? Babies are miracles and I am so thankful when anyone gets pregnant, it's beautiful. I actually don't even get upset when I see a teenager pregnant. I do however, always want to ask them if they plan on parenting or placing for adoption. I sometimes want to say, "you don't look like you're ready. Can I have him?" Awful of me I know, but I can't help but think it.
Lately so many of my posts have been focused fertility and getting pregnant. I think that is just because I have had so many tests in the last month. However, it needs to be said that I would be SO HAPPY if I adopted the rest of my children. I don't care how the Lord gets them to me, I just want them here. So PLEASE tell everyone you know that you know a great family looking to adopt! :)