Finding Joy in the Journey

Today was a good day.  I am beginning to come out of the fog and I'm seeing so much more light. The valleys and peaks of this emotional roller coaster haven't been as drastic today.  I truly believe that things will work out for our good.  I'm not exactly sure what that will look like or when it will happen, but I believe it.  I also believe that hind sight is 20/20 and I won't fully understand why things happened like they did until much later, until then I am choosing to be happy and hopeful.  I'm choosing to love my boys with all I have and to make this a fun summer to remember for them.  They still ask about "baby sister" and pray for her to come, it's been tricky to explain the situation at an age appropriate level.

Today had a rough spot also.  As a part of the prosecution process I had to create a timeline, write a statement, and submit all of my texts (evidence.)  It was hard to go back and reread the texts between A.L. and I .  It was crazy to see how majority of the texts are her thanking me for doing a good job raising Brody, her telling me how excited she is for our family, and on and on.  Then as soon as she saw her house of cards falling she turned so quickly.  I know in my heart of hearts that the awful things she said to me aren't true.  I know that a lot of what she said to me is most likely a reflection of how she feels about herself.  What hurt is that she said those things because she wanted to hurt me.  It wasn't the words, but the intent behind them.  What is also killing me is that I really don't want to prosecute.  I truly love her and want her to just get it together.  BUT I have to move forward.  I feel like I must protect others from this immense pain.  

I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish she would reach out.  I wish that somehow this could all be made right again.  I want my Brody to have a birth mom he can be proud of, someone that he can someday have a real relationship with, someone he could trust.  

As painful as this process has been, I have decided that it is in the best interest of everyone involved if I forgive her; so I have chosen to just that.  Forgiving her will bring me joy and peace.  Now that doesn't mean that I will forget this or trust her again.  It also doesn't mean that I wish her to not be accountable.  I still want her to take responsibility, I want her to face the consequences of her actions, I am just choosing to not harbor ugly feelings.  I am still sad, in disbelief, and very hurt, but I am not angry.  I keep reminding myself that she must be in an awful place to do something so horrible to so many hopeful families.  I pray for her a lot.  I pray that her heart can heal (because hurt people, hurt people) and I also pray that she will have clarity and the desire to do what is right.  Most of all I pray that she can find a way to be truly happy.  I also pray that no matter how this turns out, that "baby sister" will be in a home where she is loved beyond belief and where she is safe and cherished.