My Aching Heavy Peacful Heart

I haven't updated my blog in 3 years. I've wanted to, thought about it, and it always stops there...until today.  I have so much on my mind and in my heart that I need to let it fly before I explode.   I recently started a new blog, its less personal and for the most part will stay professional; but what I am about to share is so very personal that I needed to be able to spew whatever is flowing from my heart into fingers.  Before I begin I want to throw out a small HUGE disclaimer.  At the moment I am raw, so very raw, I'm hurting, I’m afraid, and I feel so so so sad.  With that being said, I may say harsh things that I wouldn't normally say or that I might just keep to myself.  Don't be offended, if you are I apologize and you should probably just click off my blog.  This is all coming from a place of hurt and sadness, tomorrow I may hop on here and edit this, who knows?

Now that I have kept you in suspense long enough I will share, here goes-- As most of you who are reading this are aware, we were contacted by my youngest son’s birth mom about a month ago.  She reached out to let us know that she was expecting another child and wants to place her baby with us and it’s a GIRL.  We couldn't have been more excited.  Mr.P (**can't use any of our real names**) and I were both feeling so strongly that this was a direction that we needed to go for our family.  Actually, here, read this, it’s a blog post I wrote the day after we got the call that I hadn’t posted yet:

I don't know if I can hold it in any longer! I might burst, so I'm just going to say it.  WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN! Our family will be complete in October 2016!

 The other night I was lying in bed on the cusp of sleep when I received a text message. I contemplated for a second to not even look at it until morning, I figured it was a client or something of that nature that could wait until morning.  Curiosity eventually took over and I looked at my phone.  It was a text from my 3rd son’s birth father.  He explained that A.L., my 3rd sons birth mother was expecting and really wanted to talk to me (and that it isn't his baby).  He just kept saying, "CALL HER"! So again curiosity took over and I text her right then at 12:13 AM. She instantly text me back and after texting for 30 minutes she ended up calling me.  We talked for well over an hour.  She explained to me that her situation was less than ideal and that she couldn't care for a baby at this time in her life.  She told me about how she had called a couple of adoption agencies but couldn't ever complete the process because things weren't sitting right.  A.L. then told me since she found out she was expecting a baby she hasn't been able to get me and my 3rd (Brody) off of her mind.  We spoke for an hour and she asked me if we would adopt. Um YES!!!!!!!!

 Our call ended with me making plans to come see her. I will travel 5 hours south with Brody and we are going to go see A.L.  This will be the first time Brody has seen his birth mother since he was born. I am so excited!!

So that was June 25th.  Within days of that Brody and I were in the car and drove to another state to see her.  We had a wonderful visit.  It was fun to watch her interact with Brody.  She would touch her belly and tell Brody that his baby sister is in there and coming to his family.  I took cute photos and videos of the interaction.  We spent that day shopping for baby clothes, shopping for things she needed (at my pleasant expense), and making plans for the baby.  I loved reconnecting with her.  When she was pregnant with Brody she was incarcerated for most of it and we really go to know each other through letters and prison visits.  I developed what I thought was a deep bond with her and of course I just fell in love her.  After Brody was born and after the money ran out we never heard from her again.  (As an adoptive family we paid all of her living expenses and medical bills. We did this from when we met her until 6 weeks post-partum.) It made me sad that we didn't hear from her ever again but I understood.  I was always open to an open adoption with her.  I wanted to share his milestones, cute photos, and the funny things he did.  Although, we had no contact, I always kept her in my heart and on my mind, so you can imagine the excitement I felt just to reconnect with her, with or without a new baby.

After our initial first visit at the end of June, we made a plan to see each other again.  She invited me to her next ultra sound.  AHHH I was so excited to see this sweet baby, hear her heartbeat, and to be a part of this rite of passage in motherhood.  So again, I made plans to drive 5 hours to see her.   She lives in another state but wanted to deliver in Utah.   The plan was for me to drive to where she is, pick her up, bring her to her appointment in Utah, and then take her back home.  I didn't care if she lived across the country, if she needed me I would be there come hell or high water. 

Just this last Wednesday July 14th, I made arrangements for Jay, who had day camp this week and needed to stay behind and then loaded up DC and Brody and we were off!  We also took two babysitters with us from our neighborhood so that they could watch the boys while I went to pick up A.L. and take her to the doctor. 

Brody and DC were excited to see "baby sister" and so we also made a plan for A.L. and I to stop by the hotel at some point in the day for visit. Plus, I always love it when any of my children can make a connection with their birth parents/families.  We also were planning on going shopping for A.L. because she needed toiletries, food and maternity clothes.  I left the hotel early in the morning and drove to the state that she is in.  I stopped and got us breakfast and then procced to her apartment (that she has asked us to pay for and that I was happy to pay for.)  Now this is where things start to get weird.  I arrive at her apartment and call her on the phone to let her know I was there.  (I didn't want to knock on the door and wake up her boyfriend.)  She didn't answer the phone.  Weird, I had text with her that morning already and so I knew she was awake and getting ready.  So I sent her a few text messages.  Finally she responds with, "trying to hurry...and im finishing getting ready..."   I responded with something along the lines of, I don't want you to be late to your appointment and we have a drive ahead of us to get there.  After waiting outside her house for 45 minutes, eventually knocking, and sending more texts, she sends me a message that says something along the lines of, I am just going to reschedule my appointment.  WHAT?!?! Reschedule our appointment?  I drove all this way, made arrangements for my kids, paid for a hotel room, and not to mention--got super excited for this day and see the baby.  She sent me a bunch of mean messages that I had no idea where they could have come from.  She was insulting and cruel to me.  I feel they were unwarranted because we have been nothing but kind and helpful to her.  I have never once said or done anything mean to her.  I have let her take the lead through this process and been nothing but supportive of her.

Sad and frustrated I pulled out of her apartment complex and began to sob. What does this all mean?  Why would she do this?  Why would she say these awful things to me?  What about Brody? She was going to have a visit with him today, didn’t she want to see him?  What about my boys wanting to see baby sister in A.L.'s belly?  Did she change her mind?  Is she high? What is she hiding?  So many questions!  I drove back to Utah sobbing and praying and sobbing and praying.  I pleaded with the Lord to help calm my mind and my heart.  I pleaded with him to help A.L. to be honest with me.  I pleaded with him to help me keep proper perspective.  While praying I felt peace come over me.  It was the same peace I felt when she first asked us to adopt.  Although my heart was still aching, I was still sad and confused, I felt peace.  To me that peace means that the Lord has my back and that however this works out will be for the best.  That’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

With no reason to stay where we were we loaded up and headed back the 5 hours home.  During the drive I received messages from A.L. telling me how stressed out she was etc.  I just kept saying that we were here to help her with the stress and that financially we would try to ease her stress as much as we could.  I cried most of the way home.  My poor babysitters had to listen to me retell the story over and over to my friends and family who called for updates.  I was so exhausted from the whole ordeal that I had to pull over and take a nap. 

Finally, after MANY potty breaks for the 3yr old and a nap for me, we pulled into the driveway.  Just as we pulled into the driveway, my phone rang.  It was from a number I didn't know and it was from the state that A.L. lives in.  Weird.  I answered it and what I heard on the other end of the line will forever be etched into my brain.

It was a woman who identified herself by name and told me that she works with an adoption agency in the state that A.L. lives in.  She proceeds to tell me that A.L. has been matched with a family in their agency who has been financially supporting her.  WHAT!?!?!  It gets worse; the woman who called me also proceeded to tell me that A.L. is scamming two other families, through two other adoption agencies.  We compared stories and notes and holy cow--A.L. has been scamming us all.  To me this is the worst kind of fraud, playing with and preying on peoples most delicate emotions.  A.L. promised this baby to FOUR families (mine included).  Four families have been paying for, praying for, and hopeful for this baby girl.  Oh and the reason she bailed on the doctor appointment yesterday... that was because one of the social workers was onto her and told her that she was going to meet her at the appointment so they could talk.  A.L. bailed because she didn't want me and the social worker in the same place at the same time.  A.L.'s elaborate scam was closing in on her yesterday and that was why I got all of the texts about how stressed she was.  And that apartment that we paid for, well that was also being paid for by another family.  The list of deceit goes on and on and on. 

 I hung up with the adoption agency lady and thanked her profusely for figuring this all out and for contacting me.  And then I began to cry like nothing I’ve ever done before.  I fell to the floor like a puddle.  I was hyperventilating, dry heaving, and screaming in intense emotional pain.  I called my neighbor, the same neighbor that had let me take her girls with me to babysit my boys on our trip to see A.L.  I called her and barely could speak, she knew I needed her and she came immediately.  She fell to the floor with me, wrapped me in her arms and held me while I cried.  At some point I called my husband and he came running home to be with me.  My sweet neighbor called her 3 teenage girls over who swooped in took care of my kids and cleaned my house.  My bestie, Lisa, also came over and helped me talk through this whole terrible mess.  I am thankful for wonderful friends and neighbors.

The worst part of this is that I know three other mothers will be in a puddle of tears and anguish today as they get the same call I got.  Three other families will be heartbroken and devastated.  Truly, this isn’t fair. 

Now for my rant-- How could she do this to anyone, but especially me?  Someone that she knows, someone that she has a relationship with, someone that adopted one of her other children.  How could she look at my sweet baby boy and tell him that a baby sister is coming to his family.  How can anyone pull off this elaborate scheme and live with themselves?   Who uses their unborn child as a pawn like this? I didn't add that after all of this was exposed she admitted to me over text, "This is trying to survive in a harsh tough life.."  She also said she is doing what she needs to do survive.  I fear that she packing up and relocating to another state where she can start this process all over again with another unsuspecting family.  Although she is on the scam registry I think she will find a way to circumvent that by finding a private family.  She *claims* that she still wants to place with us.  Who knows?  I can't believe a word she says right now.  She has looked me in the eye and lied to my face.  Also, I'm sure her tune will change when she realizes that we will NOT be putting out one red cent more.  So as this story continues to unfold I continue to cry.  I still feel the same peace in my heart knowing that the Lord is ultimately in control and that is the only thing grounding me right now. 

I will continue to update as they updates come.